I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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