I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
