I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
