he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
