Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
We got so high we made milksteak
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
