I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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