I just saw a hot homeless man
I could make wine with my vomit
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
It's never too late to be topless.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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