If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I stole a fireplace last night.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
