Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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