Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
love makes seman taste better
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
