Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
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I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
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It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
did i just pee glitter
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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