Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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