As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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