i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
