Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
