My hand turned me down
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
