I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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