I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
