This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
