Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
