The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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