dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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