god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
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