I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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