Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
