Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
