the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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