I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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