I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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