I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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