I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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