you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
