She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
We are all done wearing pants today
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
