So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
