I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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