Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He passed out mid-signature
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
