Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
