I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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