So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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