Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
