whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
