i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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