Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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