When did we convert life to cartoon?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
