my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
