i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
