when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
