he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
