There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
