I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
