Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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