im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
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