So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
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She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
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The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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