We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm getting married
To pizza
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
