put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
sarcasm needs its own font
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
