he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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