im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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