By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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