If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
