the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
