remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
