Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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